Forever Yours
by WilliamsLadyLove
Summary: Companion piece to Uninvited Solace. Spike's POV on his relationship with Buffy during season six. Just what was Spike thinking as he played the part of her toy?


Title: Forever Yours  
  
Rated: PG-13  
  
Author's Note: Companion piece to Uninvited Solace... Spike's POV... set to Goo Goo Doll's "Iris"  
  
Disclaimer: Speaking of which... I don't own the song and I don't own Spike.  
  
I need you... I want you... I love you... You're so perfect an angel in my eyes that all I can see is you when I'm around you. You come to me in the middle of the night to speak little nasties that you could speak to no one else, and you know that I'll give it to you. I'd do anything for you. I would give up my life, my immortality to be with you for a moment, but you won't let me tell you that. You want so much to escape and I know how you feel.. That's why I give you what I want... even when it's killing me inside.   
  
I'm just some vampire, a soulless, evil being that's been neutered by the government because of some bloody chip that they put in my brain. I don't know if you know, but I know it. You are my redemption. With you, I feel as though I can touch heaven and know what it feels like, and I know that I will never see that place, never know heaven except for in your arms and I don't want to go back...  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
  
And I don't want to go home right now  
  
Holding you here, in my arms, as I lay kisses all over your body, all I can sense is you, everything about you, nothing else matters, not when I'm with you. I try to be gentle with you, but you demand... so much. You want it rough and tearing and I can give that to you because you are the air that I need to breathe. If I should ever stop, should I ever tell you that this is killing me, you might leave me and I don't know if I could take that.  
  
So here I am, trying to be gentle, not to rip into you and bend you to my will, which is only yours. You hold my will, always have, always will. I need you.  
  
I know that this will eventually end. I am your toy that you use whenever you need something to help you to feel again, and I can feel that moment happening soon. You will see that this is wrong for you and you'll end this, but I don't want to think about that. I want to see tonight go on, I don't want to try to live without you.  
  
And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breathe is your life  
  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
Your pals, they would never understand, they could never take a moment to see the pain that you're in and actually understand for even a moment what it is like to live in the darkness and feel it strangling you. They can't see me. All they see is some unfeeling vampire without a soul, but they have to feel bad because I've lost my ability because of your last sodding boyfriend.   
  
I'm a man too. I hold feelings deep inside of myself, but I can love. I loved Dru, and I love you. More than anyone can know vampires can feel, perhaps more than any person can. The thing with vampires is that they understand what they feel, they've had the time to understand it, at least I have.   
  
I don't care about the rest of the world. Every night when you and I lay here in the bed together, sated from our activities I stare at you and wonder if you will ever understand just what I feel for you. I want you to know, I want you to understand. I want you to know me...  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I see it in your eyes, the desire to press back the pain, but you're too locked up inside to let yourself cry and feel those emotions that you have pressed so fare back. All the lies that you make, to your friends, to your watcher, to everyone, including yourself. You can't lie to me about that stuff, but you can still lie to me. I see you. I see the passion that builds in your eyes when we touch and kiss and when I kiss along your angelic body. You want to ignore it, but there is love there. You love me for making you feel, for helping you to escape from your reality.   
  
I know how you feel. At first everything feels so fake and you burn to feel again. You torture yourself, cut yourself, make yourself bleed. You do this with me. You come to me, begging for me, for my body. I rip into you and I want to cry because I love you so much, but you press me harder and harder. This is all for you to feel alive. I know that this is helping you, at least in your mind, but luv, you need something, you need compassion. You need to cry and to feel once again something other than pain. You need to feel love and I want to give it to you.  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
And you bleed just to know you're alive  
  
I'm pressing you away now and I can feel the lack of warmth on my limbs and my body. Pushing you away, but you'll have none of it. You come back with more, always more... but I can't, not now... I just can't. I can't do this... I'm broken inside and I need time for myself to heal before you break me down again. I'm just some dirty little secret, but I need more. I have feelings too. You need to know me.   
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
Maybe I've done the wrong thing. Maybe this was all wrong. Your friends don't understand you or me, but I understand and yet you shut me out, think me not human, think me a monster. I'm breaking. I'm losing myself to you. I'm like some toy that you've overused and broken to pieces, the pieces of my heart shatter through my body, but I still come back for more, because maybe one day you'll actually see me.   
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
You'll never see me. What sort of folly is that? I'm a broken down vampire now, with nothing left to live for, but I still live for you. You're all I bloody think about. Beat me, use me, I need you... and now you're pushing me away. I think I'm going to fall to pieces here. The one thing that I've lived for is now pushing me out of her life forever... You never understood me, you never tried.   
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
Leaving now, maybe when I come back you will finally know what I am, what I feel and how much you have meant to this shell of a man that has laid down his entire body, mind and life for you. I am the person who understands and you will understand me soon enough.  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I just want you to know who I am 


End file.
